A Sigh of Relief

I was so discouraged that I could not be the real me on my blog (since I'm a youth pastor at a large church), so I avoided it, truly disappointed that I had no place to express my struggles or share about my life's events like everyone else in the world can. But my sweetest friend Alison (pic above) gave me a great idea! Set the privacy settings so that only the people I want can read it! So here I am! I'm back, and I've been dying to share with you about my life, my faithful friends and family.

So let me start by having a chance to finally "wear my heart on my sleeve" as Ali would say...

Things have been rough. We got back from our Mexico trip and 2 of my staff were fired. I would say it was a good decision; but the backlash, the upset children and parents, the gossip and drama, the personal attacks, the broken friendships, have made Jake and I feel brutally beat down. Just last night all of our friends had a party and we were the only ones not invited. Investing in the people up here to be our NorCal family and then to experience this, well, it's been painful to say the least. And the worst part is, we didn't do anything. We're just still at the church that they were fired from, and some people weren't happy that they were let go. Honestly, it was a necessary decision for our church at this time. We've been nothing but sensitive to all of their needs and pain.

I hate at times that being the "bigger" person means I have to swallow my pride and not fight back or say the things that I truly feel. That "taking the high road" is always better than letting someone know how badly they've hurt me. I understand that the evidence of the spirit in my life is self-control and patience and gentleness. But man, I feel like I may get an ulcer! The human side of me would love to tell someone off and hurt them the way that they've hurt me. Don't get me wrong, I refuse to be a doormat, but I won't allow myself to be brought down to their level.

For those of you back home in SoCal, I'm sure you're thinking... how much more of this can Jake and Bri take? I can only say that through the strength and joy we've experienced in the Lord through all of this and the incredible sense of purpose we still believe we have with these teens and with this church, helps us to be more determined to not let this keep us down. It's definitely a calling.

The biggest thing that God is teaching me lately is the destructive power of "assumption". I have watched people's assumptions destroy relationships like an aggressive cancer... assuming things because of what they saw, assuming because of what they "heard", assuming things they don't know and believing them to be fact. Assumption led by gossip has brought so much division to my friendships and ministry this month. The truth teller inside of me just wants to scream out to those assuming and tell them to quit with their conspiracy theories. Nothing good comes of it. I admit, I have been a victim of assumption and paranoia as well. It sneaks in and plays games with my mind.

My feeling this very second is (don't worry, it's temporary)... the most evil people I've ever met have been Christians. At times I wish I could just throw in the towel and say that I'm done. I'm tired of the "good kid" game. In the name of "truth" the most evil things have been said and done. I know in my heart that God NEVER intended for His church to be like this. I'm determined to not let this continue to affect my students and the faithful volunteers and staff that are determined to work through the ugliness. I have an incredible bond with those I work with and I trust them as they have been tried and true through this muck. God is so much more than a temporary challenge and I need to lead my students to see that.

Ahhhh... thank you so much friends for letting me vent! I just needed to express this to someone for support. Please understand we are not in despair nor do we want you to worry. Please just pray. God is bigger than all of this. Our church is in need of change and change is hard. I love you and I promise to be more honest here... because you've asked me to. I can't thank you enough for letting me just be me!