Why Do I Worry?

So the church in AZ is still processing and moving around staff before they can be ready to hire me, they want me - but still no offer or job description. People have been leaving there just like Adventure. It's been 2 months since my preliminary discussions with them. Jake and I don't know how we feel about going there until they can paint the entire picture for us about what's going on. At least, if anything, visiting Central pushed us to make a decision about Adventure. We needed to get out and see what else is out there.

I had started my usual worrying about our future, thinking we'd be leaving Adventure jobless and homeless, moving back in with my mother.

I got on a plane from SoCal, after visiting Becky and the baby, to go back for Jr. High Camp. As I was sitting waiting for my plane to arrive, I could hear three guys in front of me talk about "church" and "Lassen Pines" and "Jr. Highers". I'm sure they thought I was weird because I kept staring - I'm a lip reader when it comes to listening so I tend to stare alot without noticing. That's a whole 'nother story. I knew our guest speaker for the camp was from Mariner's Church in Irvine, so I got up the guts to say something. "Hey, are you speaking at a Jr. High Camp this week?" The guy looked at me like I was a crazy stalker, but smiled and told me he'd be at our camp. We ended up talking about youth ministry and how we should hang out the week at camp and that he'd pass my name around to some of his connections at churches in SoCal. I thought this was it. I had made another network connection. I was so excited.

When it came to being at the camp and meeting up, he was really distant. I tried to engage him in conversation about his church and ministry, but it didn't go very far. I started to get discouraged, thinking he wasn't interested or as friendly as he was at the airport. There goes that connection! I get weird vibes from guys in minsitry like this sometimes. Maybe it's cuz I'm a girl? I can't be as chummy as the other guy pastors there. I just decided to focus on the kids and have a fun week.

Just as I had placed all of my hopes and dreams in this one "connection" that didn't work out, guess what happened? Another youth pastor there, my friend Matt from Bayside (another large church near Adventure), asked me how I'd been doing. The last time we talked, Jake and I took him out to lunch and confessed that things weren't so good. He was so encouraging and promised to pray for us. Well, at this camp I told him our fate... that we'd be leaving Adventure. He looked at me in disbelief. Thought I was joking. I had to tell him a couple of times with a straight face in order for him to believe me. He told me his heart sank when he heard this. I actually saw tears in his eyes. It was like he understood but was so sad that we had gotten to this point and were leaving. He then told me he wanted to talk to me later about it.

At the end of the camp Matt asked me the most incredible thing. He told me that right now he'd been interviewing girl pastors as a co-pastor role with him in his Jr. High Ministry. He said he'd found some great girls coming right out of college but none of them had the experience he was looking for. And... he thought it was incredibly crazy timing that I was looking for a job because he wanted to know if I'd be interested in working with him! Even though this is a nearby church and I said before that we wouldn't be staying in the area, Jake and I thought we'd look into it. Matt even talked with Scott (my current boss) before he had approached me, so he got the ok. The staff at Adventure and Scott said that it was worth checking out. Getting their ok was something I needed to hear. Never say never, huh?
So tomorrow we're having lunch with Matt and his wife Mette. And also this week, the guest speaker from Mariner's and I have been emailing back and forth. I sent him my resume and interests. He told me he'd pass it on to anyone he hears needing a youth pastor. Look at all of these opportunities now!

What blows me away is that all I've really done is quit my job, and now these opportunities are coming my way. I feel like God was just waiting for us to let go so that he could open our eyes to something new. Isn't it crazy how He takes care of us? Why in the world do I worry?

All Grown Up

Since I'm applying for jobs I thought I'd get a more grown up email address. Luvbaby is cute since I was born on Valentine's Day, but it really doesn't translate when telling prospective employers. I'll still have luvbaby7@aol.com, but I'll also have a yahoo one in case you want to email me there. Either works. Just thought I'd let you know!

bjohns@ymail.com

Jr. High Camp

Can you say hyper? Here are some pics from our trip last week. It was a blast.

One thing before the pics, I haven't been around 11-13 year olds in a while. It totally cracked me up how the girls in my cabin talked about "training bras but wanting to be Double D's" and "getting their period" and watching me get ready everyday, asking me what kind of makeup I use and copying the way that I roll my jeans. They are so dang cute. Also, 2 girls with ADHD forgot their meds in my cabin. Phew. It was a long hyper week! :)


Me and the girl leaders from our church. This guy was soooo spooky at night. LOL


The theme of the camp was "Vision Dew" --- like Mountain Dew theme. So we did all kinds of challenges like "What Would You Do For A Dew?" You'll see below. Here's my team... Team Pepsi!

Jake was on team Barq's. Isn't he cute? He is so great with Jr. Highers. He's a kid magnet.

I got to speak a couple of mornings. Lots of fun. Gosh, I look so intense.

Some of these girls were in my cabin. By the way, my cabin was 4 walls and bunk beds. Can you say stinky? We had to treck out to the bathrooms and showers but the boys had them in their cabins! And for the first 2 nights, they didn't have hot water. The pilot light blew out. Yuck.

The band.

I caught Scott (my boss) taking this pic. Funny.

Ok so "What Would You Do For A Dew?"

This game was called "Toe-stidos". Mind you, this was at the end of the week with funky jr. highers. The girls had to stick their feet into nacho cheese, roll them around in chips, and then the boys had to eat them off ---- for a Mountain Dew! What it's like to be young and carefree! JK Seriously gross.

Father's Day

Since I was in town to see Becky and the baby the same weekend as Father's Day, Chris and I took Dad and Debbie out to brunch to celebrate at Sharkeez on Main Street in HB. It was such a nice day! Really made me miss living in SoCal.

Ok, so out of the blue these guys set up and just started wailing on each other. Totally not staged. I have the video on my camera but I can't seem to upload it here. I wish I could show you it. We were cracking up!

There were lots of little shops set up on the street. My Dad wanted to look at these bracelets because they reminded him of when we used to shop in TJ. I told him I bet they wouldn't have my name. As a little girl I always cried because I could never find barrettes and pencils in my name since it's semi-unique. But guess what....?

He bought it for me. :)

One Year Later...

So these days you don't save the cake topper from your wedding and freeze it for a year, the bakery actually promises to make you an anniversary cake a year later. So I picked it up while I was home visiting Becky and the baby. I can't believe it's been a year! I love being married to Jake. Here's to so many more memories!

Baby Declan

My good friends Becky & Trevor just had their first baby. I flew down to see how they were doing and to meet this cute little guy!

So I think I just quit my job on Thursday...

Crazy but true. And I'm sure some of you are thinking, "It's about time." Please keep this confidential as I do not want families or staff (or former staff) at Adventure to find out prematurely. They're graciously letting me stay this summer because they need me, which gives me time to find something new. My last day will most likely be July 31st, and Jake and I are planning on moving somewhere else so that we do not interfere with the continued ministry at Adventure, so the teens and families can go on. Maybe AZ? Maybe back home? Who knows.

Some of you are probably thinking I'm nuts, but I haven't felt this amount of peace in years. For me that just means it was the right decision. Jake has been ready for this for a while, but has patiently been waiting for me to see this on my own.

In an email I sent to my University advisor who has held me up in prayer and talked with me late nights as I've worked through stuff at Adventure...

"So I've waited this long since our last conversation about Adventure and today made it official. I will be transitioning out of my position here. It's just comes down to the fact that I still struggle with Rick's leadership. Everything else I can work with, but the lack of leadership and vision and the baggage that I have from being here through a lot of the trials for almost 5 years isn't good for me to be here for the future.

I thought I'd just let you know and ask you for your prayers. I interviewed at Central in AZ and am waiting to hear back, but I'm also keeping my eyes open. If you know of any opportunities for a woman in youth ministry please let me know. Jake and I are waiting for God's leading."

I'm sure as you read this you might have thought that when I say "lack of leadership" is the reason I'm leaving, that that doesn't make sense or sound serious enough for a resignation. I have learned from this experience that lack of leadership or vision at a church is detrimental and often leads to much sin and pain. It is said that a company, in order to survive in the contemporary business world and be relevant to this culture, must recreate itself and it's mission every 7 years or it will become obsolete. Our senior pastor has neglected to make our church relevant to the people of our area, squashed other pastors' attempts to try, covered up mistakes he has made, blamed and punished others in the process, not been honest to his congregation, been disconnected from his staff, and has operated under a false sense of "celebrity", leaving broken bridges and wounded pastors and families (casualties) in the process. I hope this does not sound harsh or even slanderous. It has become truth to my life, and I cannot try to lead these students and their families through the dysfunction any longer. I have become jaded. Unfortunately so jaded that I cannot move beyond the pain. It's incredibly difficult to get excited about the future here or wait patiently for healing and rebuilding to come. But I do believe it may come. I'm just not the one to help lead the church through it. My ministry here has expired. But I have learned so much.

No I have not heard from the church in Arizona yet - supposedly this is typical for this church to make decisions quite slowly and they are going through a staff restructure as well. Yes, I feel awkward and even like I'm taking a step back by choosing to quit my job without anything else lined up next, but like I said, I've never felt more peace.

As Jake and I were flying back to Sacramento from our anniversary trip I opened a book that spoke about surrender. It bothered me so much that I closed it but couldn't stop thinking about it. It was almost like a conversation in my head with God. I could feel my guard being up as I thought through my tendency to always "have things under my control" and not rely on anyone else or possibly end up disappointed. Jaded much? :) I don't always rely on friends, I don't always rely on Jake, and even sadly I don't rely on God. I have things all planned out and under control so that nothing slips between the cracks (or so I think). And if it does, I have only myself to blame.

After these thoughts the only words that would not leave my mind were, "rely on me". As if God was calling me to surrender my future to Him. "Rely on me." And then I'd argue back... "But what if we can't pay our bills?" "Rely on me." "But what if leaving Adventure means that I will never work at a church again?" "Rely on me." "But what if I choose the wrong thing to do next?" "Rely on me." It was so clear. I didn't have to have things all figured out. I just needed to make this decision and rely on God for what's next.

Another email to my University advisor...

"Thanks Joe. I really appreciate your wisdom and partnership. Thanks for always being there. Your ministry to us pastors is such a blessing. To be honest I have a huge amount of peace with this open-ended decision. I am not afraid like I was before. I'm glad I stuck around to see if I could support Rick, and at least now I know that I'm not making a decision based on emotion. I have done all that I can. I hope things are going well with you."

There is such freedom in being able to honestly say, "I have done all that I can". I have absolutely no regrets. I actually have no anxiety about this decision.

Am I sad? Yes. Deeply. I am leaving some incredible friends that I call family here. I am leaving students that I love and will grow up without getting to be their pastor. I am leaving a team and staff that has inspired me and challenged me more than ever before in ministry - I love them. I am leaving a place, a city, a community, that I have grown to call "home".

So this is where Jake and I are at. Scott (my boss) has graciously arranged for me to slowly transition out. Jake and I will lease our apartment month to month until we figure out what's next. I am waiting, and will try to be patient, and looking for new opportunities. It's an exciting place to be at again. I get to do something new somewhere new! So many possibilities. Like an old friend said when I confided in her that I was feeling stuck... "Look at the world! You have a whole menu to choose from. Just order something you'll enjoy!"

I will keep you posted as things come up. Until then, I'm off to Jr. High Summer Camp tomorrow for the week. Fun fun fun! Pray that I don't kill them! :)